the epitome of companionhsip

deb and tom are, to me, are companionship to the fullest extent. the other night they wandered in katies and i asked where they had been, i hadn't seen them in a few days and deb says "we managed to get a few nights in a hotel, he kept me naked the whole time! you know, you cant really get naked over at the camp," referencing the corner of the empty building they sleep under. though i was a touch creeped out, i was so stoked that through everything, they still like to get down! tom said to me one morning after deb was rushing him along, "she gets on me but i sure love her." Once i shared my lunch with them and deb sat at the bar waiting for tom to get done playing video poker before she ate anything, then she sat at the bar and re-braided his beard before heading out again. Maybe this is a mutual respect and agreement reached over many years on the street. maybe its the only way they can survive but to me, i can only dream of companionship so rich.

couch

i am in a dire need of owning a couch. i have a small studio apartment with a few pieces of hand me down/trashpicked furniture, all of which i have grown rather attached to over the years. however the one piece i enjoy most of all is my glorious bed. the smell of it is intoxicating, and while i sleep so well in it, since i own no couch, or even chair for that matter, i am forced to conduct all of my home business from it. pretty soon i'm kind of chilly so i get under the covers. then the smell wafts up from my pillow and beatrix kiddo cuddles up next to me and before you know it i've been asleep for 2 hours and got nothing accomplished. again. i'm convinced that if i can find a couch and a few chairs i will stay away from my bed at least a little bit. the tomb-like ambiance of my little apartment doesn't help, as a large cement wall 4 feet from my windows blocks any and all sunlight that manages to filter through the oregon clouds... my next question is how on earth am i going to get a couch in here... hmm.

day of irritation

id like to start off with the fact that i still have not been in contact with tk order to break things off. he managed to text me "i'm so sorry my. i hopped out of bed and on to my bike. may i call when i'm off? i'm not sure what happened last night..." and then never called. ever. i wonder if he knows that the longer he waits to talk to me the more i want to gouge his eye balls out. really i just want to have a quick chat to clear the slate because i hate having unfinished business and i hate being mad at people. either he knows whats in store and doesn't want to deal or has no idea and thinks he needs to talk me down from the ledge or thinks i'm going to yell at him and his tail is between his legs. either way he needs to fucking man up. hes almost 32 for christ's sake! how come in the last 4 months i've managed to get involved with 2 dudes over 30 who are even less emotionally mature than the retards my age? this one didn't even skate! and he found me! i dont even know anymore.

in other news: went to my fathers place to have snacks and it was the worst shit ever. the server was fat and slow and wouldn't refill my coffee. she totally ignored the people who joined the table after we ordered. she left d's bloody mary at the bar for at least 20 minutes and she put d's wallet behind the bar with out telling him. oh and the food was terrible.

my cat is vibing me to feed her so i should probably do that before she tries to eat my face.

so lame

so i've officially decided that tk is toxic and we need to break it off and he wont even call me back so i can break up with him! what a shit. it would be ok but he has my favorite aa shirt and i really really want it back. if he would at least text me back! oh he irritates me. i need to have some sort of "closer" lame i know, so i can cut him out of my mind because hes sucking the life out of me and he doesn't even know or care! ahhhhh! would write more however i have no energy left to put into it. not even contemplative. i'm just so done, cant wait to be over it.

internet once again

so i'm going to try to write more now that i have internet again. daily if possible. not that most things i have to write about are that interesting but you know.

so i've been hanging out real tough with a boy for a little over a month that i'm pretty into. i also enjoy his friends and like kicking with all of them. though all of this is wonderful, i'm entirely sure how invested tk. he says that he knows lots of people and wants to introduce me which is wonderful cause i dont know a lot of people and also speaks highly of me. he also mentioned he was afraid that in a few months when i met more people i wouldn't be into him anymore.. anywho, my point is that as much as i would love to jump right in with tk and his friends he wont entirely let me do it (maybe really is afraid i'd run away from him) so i'm keeping my options open, which isn't entirely a bad thing considering i dont know a lot of people here. i've been corresponding with a boy from sf via text, as well as occasional run ins on the street, and we talk about hanging out. this boy is cute but i'm not entirely looking to date him. first because i need to meet more people on the friend level especially i already have a beau i'm into and second i'm not sure how i feel about "dating" two boys at once. it just feels weird and manipulative and selfish. but do i let sf know that i'm kind of seeing someone? is that presumptuous that he even wanted that to begin with? or do i not tell him and just hang out? is that disclosing information? really i just want to hang with him and his boys cause i feel like we would get along and the more friends the better right now. and if i do end up liking him or any of his friends down the line we have already established some sort of connection for then. and they probably have rad female chicks i can befriend also. and hopefully they dont do so many drugs. whats with all the drugs these days? jesus christ people.
enough rant for today.

i'm not scared of being alone. i'm scared of what someone will really think of me if i let them all the way into the labyrinth of my brain.

been writing at home in my journal as of late due to the fact i have no interweb at home. this however will soon change. not that i dont love the coffee shop but its starting to irritate me. especially when i have something to get off my chest and i have to write in that damn notebook and i cant keep up with my stupid thoughts!

i definitely have too many thoughts going on these days too! it seems i'm a perfectly normal individual until i have some sort of involvement with the opposite sex and then i cant get out of my fucking head! and by involvement i mean one of actual feelings not just hot sex. i'm working very hard and trying to stay present and not let my thoughts get ahead of me but man thats hard! maybe cause its been a long damn time since a man i'm interested in is actually interested in me and for some reason i find that hard to wrap my brain around. obviously being single for so many years and living alone i've become pretty independent, but i'm at a place in my live where i'm ready to let someone into that space i take up so much room in. when i find someone i think is worthy to actually occupy some of that space i get so nervous that they dont want to be there and i freak out. where as when i dont want someone there they like to take up more than i want. then i over analyze everything in existence from the meaning of life to what is says if i wear these boots. how do i escape my swelling head? i've tried drugs but apparently not the right ones cause that just intensified it. usually thats my go to but not this time! i tried booze but generally when i try to escape feeling with booze i cry/walk home and this time it was bad! sometimes i wish i was a kid again when i was perfectly happy riding my bike around the block for hours at a time only wondering if we were going to have chicken AGAIN for dinner.

and now the reason why i feel the need to spill out all these stupid random thoughts: ive reached a conclusion!! i'm not scared of being alone. i'm scared of what someone will really think of me if i let them all the way into the labyrinth of my brain.

when you realize

that guys only talk to you cause they want to have sex with you, its weird. one the one side theres a validation that boys think your hot. but then they kinda want to have sex with just about anything anyhow. but theres that annoying part about never having guy friends, especially when you've had so many for so long. like i said, i guess is flattering and validating that they think your kinda foxy, but do you have to talk about it and be an ass hole about the whole thing?

so jimmy, a guy i work with asked if i wanted to go to a show with him and a guy from his band last night and i said yes
1. because i always love a good show, something i've always done with guy friends cause its rare that you find a chick who wants to go to shows all the time. or it was when i was growing up anywho.
2. as cameron likes to reiterate often, this move is about getting out of my comfort zone so i had to go anyhow even if i didn't feel comfortable
3. i should meet as many people as possible cause i dont know anyone

so the show was great and i had a lot of fun... until crazy jimmy, who i will forever refer to him as due to his FUCKED UP relationship in which he as dated the same girl for 13 years, since he was 15, though they constantly cheat on each other and have domestic disputes but wont break up cause thats too hard. what? seriously though? but he got super drunk, fine whatever like i dont have plenty of experience with drunk ass homies, but then he started crossing lines. the crazy asked if he could like my armpit. ok whatever gets your socks off. then mid conversation he licked the side of my face. weird. and then he says to his friend, josh i believe his name was, that josh always get the girls pregnant that he brings out. ok not comfortable anymore.. and then i smoke bombed.

i guess however naively i assumed that since jimmy had a gf that he was somewhat monogamous and that he sincerely invited me to the show cause he thought i would enjoy it. he said he didn't want to hook up with people he worked with cause thats not ok, not that i wasn't attractive. ok i can handle that. pleasing actually. but then when i find out that really i'm just a sex object not ok. i guess its whatever and talk about it all you want when i'm not around but not in front of me. the first time we hang out. maybe hes just a drunk fuck who is crazy in his head (duh).

its funny cause when you only have male homies and not a bf you think thats all you are good for, but then when you dont have either and you are just a sex object its so demeaning and annoying. well i guess this move was to learn about myself and life.. so far success!

its also funny cause i dont think of myself as attractive, i think i'm a dorky fun little chic whos a little odd and quirky... but as of late things seem to proving different.. its an awkward feeling.