id like to start off with the fact that i still have not been in contact with tk order to break things off. he managed to text me "i'm so sorry my. i hopped out of bed and on to my bike. may i call when i'm off? i'm not sure what happened last night..." and then never called. ever. i wonder if he knows that the longer he waits to talk to me the more i want to gouge his eye balls out. really i just want to have a quick chat to clear the slate because i hate having unfinished business and i hate being mad at people. either he knows whats in store and doesn't want to deal or has no idea and thinks he needs to talk me down from the ledge or thinks i'm going to yell at him and his tail is between his legs. either way he needs to fucking man up. hes almost 32 for christ's sake! how come in the last 4 months i've managed to get involved with 2 dudes over 30 who are even less emotionally mature than the retards my age? this one didn't even skate! and he found me! i dont even know anymore.
in other news: went to my fathers place to have snacks and it was the worst shit ever. the server was fat and slow and wouldn't refill my coffee. she totally ignored the people who joined the table after we ordered. she left d's bloody mary at the bar for at least 20 minutes and she put d's wallet behind the bar with out telling him. oh and the food was terrible.
my cat is vibing me to feed her so i should probably do that before she tries to eat my face.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
so lame
so i've officially decided that tk is toxic and we need to break it off and he wont even call me back so i can break up with him! what a shit. it would be ok but he has my favorite aa shirt and i really really want it back. if he would at least text me back! oh he irritates me. i need to have some sort of "closer" lame i know, so i can cut him out of my mind because hes sucking the life out of me and he doesn't even know or care! ahhhhh! would write more however i have no energy left to put into it. not even contemplative. i'm just so done, cant wait to be over it.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
internet once again
so i'm going to try to write more now that i have internet again. daily if possible. not that most things i have to write about are that interesting but you know.
so i've been hanging out real tough with a boy for a little over a month that i'm pretty into. i also enjoy his friends and like kicking with all of them. though all of this is wonderful, i'm entirely sure how invested tk. he says that he knows lots of people and wants to introduce me which is wonderful cause i dont know a lot of people and also speaks highly of me. he also mentioned he was afraid that in a few months when i met more people i wouldn't be into him anymore.. anywho, my point is that as much as i would love to jump right in with tk and his friends he wont entirely let me do it (maybe really is afraid i'd run away from him) so i'm keeping my options open, which isn't entirely a bad thing considering i dont know a lot of people here. i've been corresponding with a boy from sf via text, as well as occasional run ins on the street, and we talk about hanging out. this boy is cute but i'm not entirely looking to date him. first because i need to meet more people on the friend level especially i already have a beau i'm into and second i'm not sure how i feel about "dating" two boys at once. it just feels weird and manipulative and selfish. but do i let sf know that i'm kind of seeing someone? is that presumptuous that he even wanted that to begin with? or do i not tell him and just hang out? is that disclosing information? really i just want to hang with him and his boys cause i feel like we would get along and the more friends the better right now. and if i do end up liking him or any of his friends down the line we have already established some sort of connection for then. and they probably have rad female chicks i can befriend also. and hopefully they dont do so many drugs. whats with all the drugs these days? jesus christ people.
enough rant for today.
so i've been hanging out real tough with a boy for a little over a month that i'm pretty into. i also enjoy his friends and like kicking with all of them. though all of this is wonderful, i'm entirely sure how invested tk. he says that he knows lots of people and wants to introduce me which is wonderful cause i dont know a lot of people and also speaks highly of me. he also mentioned he was afraid that in a few months when i met more people i wouldn't be into him anymore.. anywho, my point is that as much as i would love to jump right in with tk and his friends he wont entirely let me do it (maybe really is afraid i'd run away from him) so i'm keeping my options open, which isn't entirely a bad thing considering i dont know a lot of people here. i've been corresponding with a boy from sf via text, as well as occasional run ins on the street, and we talk about hanging out. this boy is cute but i'm not entirely looking to date him. first because i need to meet more people on the friend level especially i already have a beau i'm into and second i'm not sure how i feel about "dating" two boys at once. it just feels weird and manipulative and selfish. but do i let sf know that i'm kind of seeing someone? is that presumptuous that he even wanted that to begin with? or do i not tell him and just hang out? is that disclosing information? really i just want to hang with him and his boys cause i feel like we would get along and the more friends the better right now. and if i do end up liking him or any of his friends down the line we have already established some sort of connection for then. and they probably have rad female chicks i can befriend also. and hopefully they dont do so many drugs. whats with all the drugs these days? jesus christ people.
enough rant for today.
Friday, March 6, 2009
i'm not scared of being alone. i'm scared of what someone will really think of me if i let them all the way into the labyrinth of my brain.
been writing at home in my journal as of late due to the fact i have no interweb at home. this however will soon change. not that i dont love the coffee shop but its starting to irritate me. especially when i have something to get off my chest and i have to write in that damn notebook and i cant keep up with my stupid thoughts!
i definitely have too many thoughts going on these days too! it seems i'm a perfectly normal individual until i have some sort of involvement with the opposite sex and then i cant get out of my fucking head! and by involvement i mean one of actual feelings not just hot sex. i'm working very hard and trying to stay present and not let my thoughts get ahead of me but man thats hard! maybe cause its been a long damn time since a man i'm interested in is actually interested in me and for some reason i find that hard to wrap my brain around. obviously being single for so many years and living alone i've become pretty independent, but i'm at a place in my live where i'm ready to let someone into that space i take up so much room in. when i find someone i think is worthy to actually occupy some of that space i get so nervous that they dont want to be there and i freak out. where as when i dont want someone there they like to take up more than i want. then i over analyze everything in existence from the meaning of life to what is says if i wear these boots. how do i escape my swelling head? i've tried drugs but apparently not the right ones cause that just intensified it. usually thats my go to but not this time! i tried booze but generally when i try to escape feeling with booze i cry/walk home and this time it was bad! sometimes i wish i was a kid again when i was perfectly happy riding my bike around the block for hours at a time only wondering if we were going to have chicken AGAIN for dinner.
and now the reason why i feel the need to spill out all these stupid random thoughts: ive reached a conclusion!! i'm not scared of being alone. i'm scared of what someone will really think of me if i let them all the way into the labyrinth of my brain.
i definitely have too many thoughts going on these days too! it seems i'm a perfectly normal individual until i have some sort of involvement with the opposite sex and then i cant get out of my fucking head! and by involvement i mean one of actual feelings not just hot sex. i'm working very hard and trying to stay present and not let my thoughts get ahead of me but man thats hard! maybe cause its been a long damn time since a man i'm interested in is actually interested in me and for some reason i find that hard to wrap my brain around. obviously being single for so many years and living alone i've become pretty independent, but i'm at a place in my live where i'm ready to let someone into that space i take up so much room in. when i find someone i think is worthy to actually occupy some of that space i get so nervous that they dont want to be there and i freak out. where as when i dont want someone there they like to take up more than i want. then i over analyze everything in existence from the meaning of life to what is says if i wear these boots. how do i escape my swelling head? i've tried drugs but apparently not the right ones cause that just intensified it. usually thats my go to but not this time! i tried booze but generally when i try to escape feeling with booze i cry/walk home and this time it was bad! sometimes i wish i was a kid again when i was perfectly happy riding my bike around the block for hours at a time only wondering if we were going to have chicken AGAIN for dinner.
and now the reason why i feel the need to spill out all these stupid random thoughts: ive reached a conclusion!! i'm not scared of being alone. i'm scared of what someone will really think of me if i let them all the way into the labyrinth of my brain.
Friday, February 6, 2009
when you realize
that guys only talk to you cause they want to have sex with you, its weird. one the one side theres a validation that boys think your hot. but then they kinda want to have sex with just about anything anyhow. but theres that annoying part about never having guy friends, especially when you've had so many for so long. like i said, i guess is flattering and validating that they think your kinda foxy, but do you have to talk about it and be an ass hole about the whole thing?
so jimmy, a guy i work with asked if i wanted to go to a show with him and a guy from his band last night and i said yes
1. because i always love a good show, something i've always done with guy friends cause its rare that you find a chick who wants to go to shows all the time. or it was when i was growing up anywho.
2. as cameron likes to reiterate often, this move is about getting out of my comfort zone so i had to go anyhow even if i didn't feel comfortable
3. i should meet as many people as possible cause i dont know anyone
so the show was great and i had a lot of fun... until crazy jimmy, who i will forever refer to him as due to his FUCKED UP relationship in which he as dated the same girl for 13 years, since he was 15, though they constantly cheat on each other and have domestic disputes but wont break up cause thats too hard. what? seriously though? but he got super drunk, fine whatever like i dont have plenty of experience with drunk ass homies, but then he started crossing lines. the crazy asked if he could like my armpit. ok whatever gets your socks off. then mid conversation he licked the side of my face. weird. and then he says to his friend, josh i believe his name was, that josh always get the girls pregnant that he brings out. ok not comfortable anymore.. and then i smoke bombed.
i guess however naively i assumed that since jimmy had a gf that he was somewhat monogamous and that he sincerely invited me to the show cause he thought i would enjoy it. he said he didn't want to hook up with people he worked with cause thats not ok, not that i wasn't attractive. ok i can handle that. pleasing actually. but then when i find out that really i'm just a sex object not ok. i guess its whatever and talk about it all you want when i'm not around but not in front of me. the first time we hang out. maybe hes just a drunk fuck who is crazy in his head (duh).
its funny cause when you only have male homies and not a bf you think thats all you are good for, but then when you dont have either and you are just a sex object its so demeaning and annoying. well i guess this move was to learn about myself and life.. so far success!
its also funny cause i dont think of myself as attractive, i think i'm a dorky fun little chic whos a little odd and quirky... but as of late things seem to proving different.. its an awkward feeling.
so jimmy, a guy i work with asked if i wanted to go to a show with him and a guy from his band last night and i said yes
1. because i always love a good show, something i've always done with guy friends cause its rare that you find a chick who wants to go to shows all the time. or it was when i was growing up anywho.
2. as cameron likes to reiterate often, this move is about getting out of my comfort zone so i had to go anyhow even if i didn't feel comfortable
3. i should meet as many people as possible cause i dont know anyone
so the show was great and i had a lot of fun... until crazy jimmy, who i will forever refer to him as due to his FUCKED UP relationship in which he as dated the same girl for 13 years, since he was 15, though they constantly cheat on each other and have domestic disputes but wont break up cause thats too hard. what? seriously though? but he got super drunk, fine whatever like i dont have plenty of experience with drunk ass homies, but then he started crossing lines. the crazy asked if he could like my armpit. ok whatever gets your socks off. then mid conversation he licked the side of my face. weird. and then he says to his friend, josh i believe his name was, that josh always get the girls pregnant that he brings out. ok not comfortable anymore.. and then i smoke bombed.
i guess however naively i assumed that since jimmy had a gf that he was somewhat monogamous and that he sincerely invited me to the show cause he thought i would enjoy it. he said he didn't want to hook up with people he worked with cause thats not ok, not that i wasn't attractive. ok i can handle that. pleasing actually. but then when i find out that really i'm just a sex object not ok. i guess its whatever and talk about it all you want when i'm not around but not in front of me. the first time we hang out. maybe hes just a drunk fuck who is crazy in his head (duh).
its funny cause when you only have male homies and not a bf you think thats all you are good for, but then when you dont have either and you are just a sex object its so demeaning and annoying. well i guess this move was to learn about myself and life.. so far success!
its also funny cause i dont think of myself as attractive, i think i'm a dorky fun little chic whos a little odd and quirky... but as of late things seem to proving different.. its an awkward feeling.
Monday, February 2, 2009
matador post
at the matador drinking pbr (which everyone refers to as pabts here in portland... wierd) waiting for graham so we can ride bikes like the 12 year old kids we are.
so they cut my sweet 4 shifts at the kob to 3 shifts so now i HAVE to get my salon job or i cant pay rent. sweet. not that i dont need to get on that anyway but i didn't want it to be so stressful. i'm kinda bummin on that whole sitch anywho cause that interview at urbacca was super stellar and then they never called. when i stooped by today they guy behind the counter looked at me like a crazy. i'm trying to remember that whatever happens will be for the best and not to rush it or freak out but its hard. i mean, how do you convince someone to hire you. i mean i'm a killer assistant and would a killer job... do i just say that. i mean i talked up my bar tending skills which SUCK and managed to get that job. of course not right away. i was third choice but i'm killing it anyway so oh well. i'm trying to remind myself that maybe i wont be first choice for a salon spot but once i'm there if i work hard they will be stoked on me. but i keep questioning my worth for some reason. i dunno maybe i was just in a bad spot this morning when i couldn't shake those thoughts.
ha so i opened a tab cause the beer was 15o and i hate tipping 50 but i didn't want to tip 15o on a 150 beer... but now i dont really want another beer. of course if i go home i'm just going to stare at things while graham takes his sweet time eating soup so i might as well stay here and ramble on about bull shit eh? apparently i'm canadian now.. i tried to talk bri into coming to have a beer with me but i wont hold my breath. she probably thinks i have a drinking problem cause i drink by myself. but i had a long day! and i needed interweb. oooh pixies. beside the fact that i already had a beer in the shower...
its funny graham commented on how different bri and i are and that we are such good friends and its so true. like the other eve while bri scoot and i sat here and i had a beer and they watched and then they went home at 930 even though they were off the next day and i had to work at 730. and she text me and told me she didn't have any money till next weekend. i just cant fathom my life like that... living so far from the city, never meeting up with friends. day in day out, boring job, watch tv, bed at 9 get up at 630 back to job i hate. fuck that. i dont EVER in a million years want that. it depresses me just thinking about that. i know she probably looks down on the shit bag life style i live but i do my best to be a good person and i love my life so oh well. and i love her so f it. i have to go get my other beer and close my tab. heh.
so they cut my sweet 4 shifts at the kob to 3 shifts so now i HAVE to get my salon job or i cant pay rent. sweet. not that i dont need to get on that anyway but i didn't want it to be so stressful. i'm kinda bummin on that whole sitch anywho cause that interview at urbacca was super stellar and then they never called. when i stooped by today they guy behind the counter looked at me like a crazy. i'm trying to remember that whatever happens will be for the best and not to rush it or freak out but its hard. i mean, how do you convince someone to hire you. i mean i'm a killer assistant and would a killer job... do i just say that. i mean i talked up my bar tending skills which SUCK and managed to get that job. of course not right away. i was third choice but i'm killing it anyway so oh well. i'm trying to remind myself that maybe i wont be first choice for a salon spot but once i'm there if i work hard they will be stoked on me. but i keep questioning my worth for some reason. i dunno maybe i was just in a bad spot this morning when i couldn't shake those thoughts.
ha so i opened a tab cause the beer was 15o and i hate tipping 50 but i didn't want to tip 15o on a 150 beer... but now i dont really want another beer. of course if i go home i'm just going to stare at things while graham takes his sweet time eating soup so i might as well stay here and ramble on about bull shit eh? apparently i'm canadian now.. i tried to talk bri into coming to have a beer with me but i wont hold my breath. she probably thinks i have a drinking problem cause i drink by myself. but i had a long day! and i needed interweb. oooh pixies. beside the fact that i already had a beer in the shower...
its funny graham commented on how different bri and i are and that we are such good friends and its so true. like the other eve while bri scoot and i sat here and i had a beer and they watched and then they went home at 930 even though they were off the next day and i had to work at 730. and she text me and told me she didn't have any money till next weekend. i just cant fathom my life like that... living so far from the city, never meeting up with friends. day in day out, boring job, watch tv, bed at 9 get up at 630 back to job i hate. fuck that. i dont EVER in a million years want that. it depresses me just thinking about that. i know she probably looks down on the shit bag life style i live but i do my best to be a good person and i love my life so oh well. and i love her so f it. i have to go get my other beer and close my tab. heh.
Friday, January 30, 2009
sitting in the coffee shop window..
maybe i look like a pretentious asshole sitting in the coffee shop on my laptop with my headphones on but if i had Internet at home this wouldn't be an issue.. its not like i come here to look "cool" or whatever. really im just poor. from now on i will further attribute this same trait to others sitting in the coffee shop. oh and the guy who works here is kinda foxy so yah.
so i'm settled into my new space though i feel i need some thrift store chairs and possibly a couch if i can find one in my budget. its a great little spot, aside from the brick wall it looks out at, but hey, gotta make sacrifices somewhere. besides i only signed a 6 month lease so if its super lame i'll just leave! the location is stellar however, in my humble opinion. i still feel like i need to get out and explore some more so i'll probably do that this afternoon since i'm off. i like that i get to walk everywhere cause i really enjoy walking and kinda despise driving. maybe i'll get to sell my car, especially cause its nearly impossible to park around here! i guess if i ever get a salon job where i can actually walk to work.
sorry i'm so insightful, or lack there of, today. i guess theres just random shit on my mind. or maybe stuff i'm not sure if i need to put in writing as of yet.. things still up in the air. maybe thats why i've been so crazy lately. i feel like my head is alllll over the place and i cant focus on anything! maybe it was all the moving and whatnot i needed to get back into a schedule.
i love sitting in the window cause i get to watch the odd people of portland wander about. graham said that "theres no attractive women in portland"... which is possible but i think its just that they aren't so plastic so the attractive quotient is a bit different, which im kinda down with, especially after working at the salon of barbies. speaking of cam is coming out in a week and i'm soooo stooooked! its gonna be a shit show i know, but i cant wait. so thats enough blabbering i guess. more later.
so i'm settled into my new space though i feel i need some thrift store chairs and possibly a couch if i can find one in my budget. its a great little spot, aside from the brick wall it looks out at, but hey, gotta make sacrifices somewhere. besides i only signed a 6 month lease so if its super lame i'll just leave! the location is stellar however, in my humble opinion. i still feel like i need to get out and explore some more so i'll probably do that this afternoon since i'm off. i like that i get to walk everywhere cause i really enjoy walking and kinda despise driving. maybe i'll get to sell my car, especially cause its nearly impossible to park around here! i guess if i ever get a salon job where i can actually walk to work.
sorry i'm so insightful, or lack there of, today. i guess theres just random shit on my mind. or maybe stuff i'm not sure if i need to put in writing as of yet.. things still up in the air. maybe thats why i've been so crazy lately. i feel like my head is alllll over the place and i cant focus on anything! maybe it was all the moving and whatnot i needed to get back into a schedule.
i love sitting in the window cause i get to watch the odd people of portland wander about. graham said that "theres no attractive women in portland"... which is possible but i think its just that they aren't so plastic so the attractive quotient is a bit different, which im kinda down with, especially after working at the salon of barbies. speaking of cam is coming out in a week and i'm soooo stooooked! its gonna be a shit show i know, but i cant wait. so thats enough blabbering i guess. more later.
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