i'm not scared of being alone. i'm scared of what someone will really think of me if i let them all the way into the labyrinth of my brain.

been writing at home in my journal as of late due to the fact i have no interweb at home. this however will soon change. not that i dont love the coffee shop but its starting to irritate me. especially when i have something to get off my chest and i have to write in that damn notebook and i cant keep up with my stupid thoughts!

i definitely have too many thoughts going on these days too! it seems i'm a perfectly normal individual until i have some sort of involvement with the opposite sex and then i cant get out of my fucking head! and by involvement i mean one of actual feelings not just hot sex. i'm working very hard and trying to stay present and not let my thoughts get ahead of me but man thats hard! maybe cause its been a long damn time since a man i'm interested in is actually interested in me and for some reason i find that hard to wrap my brain around. obviously being single for so many years and living alone i've become pretty independent, but i'm at a place in my live where i'm ready to let someone into that space i take up so much room in. when i find someone i think is worthy to actually occupy some of that space i get so nervous that they dont want to be there and i freak out. where as when i dont want someone there they like to take up more than i want. then i over analyze everything in existence from the meaning of life to what is says if i wear these boots. how do i escape my swelling head? i've tried drugs but apparently not the right ones cause that just intensified it. usually thats my go to but not this time! i tried booze but generally when i try to escape feeling with booze i cry/walk home and this time it was bad! sometimes i wish i was a kid again when i was perfectly happy riding my bike around the block for hours at a time only wondering if we were going to have chicken AGAIN for dinner.

and now the reason why i feel the need to spill out all these stupid random thoughts: ive reached a conclusion!! i'm not scared of being alone. i'm scared of what someone will really think of me if i let them all the way into the labyrinth of my brain.