Wednesday, November 11, 2009

what makes you think

that i care to see photos of your baby? first of all i dont know you and second i dont do babies. i can at least fake it for people i know, but you sir, a random bar patron: i sure as hell cant get it up for your newly spawned offspring. she me photos of your cat.. ok cool, your dog.. yah thats great.. even your ferret.. but i hate babies and i hate that people feel the need to create an image of them selves and bring them in this stupid world. whatever.. have your babies but i dont want to see them. ok?

but speaking of cats.. bk meow is mega smart! today she learned to hit the snooze on the alarm clock. fer serious. we were spooning this morning and the alarm went off and her little paw shot out from under the blaket and tapped the alarm that was in my bed. at first i thought i was coincidence but then she hit again then next snooze time! maybe thats why i slept through my alarm yesterday? i'm gonna have to watch that smart little bitch.

i'm also going to take this time (work is hella slow.. i might stab my eyeballs out just for something to do.. hence the mega rant) to say that i have some of the best homies ever. d.bear likes to text me smiths' lyrics in the wee hours of the morning. "this charming man". and mikey always seems to know when i'm having a shit day and texts his love from 303. and bril and camcam and lil.bro. even tom and chuchu. i have a kinds of other great homies but my bestie.bears make me not hate the very existance in we inhabit.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

just washed my own hair in sink at work

cause it was filthy and didn't have time for anyone to wash it today. actually i was hoping to get started on this color bullshit cause my hair is going to take FOREVER to get to grey. and i already bathed once today so i'm sure as hell not going to do it again. i dont know why i hate bathing so much but fuck, i really do. sitting at work on the couch taking advantage of the internet connection the wounderfullness of no one being here. i dont have to listen to ass metal for one.

ah, talking heads. this must be the place. this song holds the best memories of this summer, when we used to video night every sunday. when s.douglas and sf and i would all hang out. when sf and i were the bestiest of besties. "i got plenty of time" summer seemed to stretch out forever in front us. it was just getting warm. i finally found my best kiddos. i was on top of the world. i would listen to this song on repeat if i could.... funny how songs can shape your memories. funny how people can shape who you are. especially your besties. you acquire desired traits. retire ones that irriate.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

holy shit!

i haven't written on this little asshole in so long i coulnd't remember how to log in! ha. started writing in my journal more cause i always have it with me. oh and i got addicted to flickr. sorry blogger. maybe i can somehow find a way to fuse you both together.

anywho, came to listen to the meow's gossip. nothing too interesting. hmm.

Friday, June 26, 2009

wierd day

on wednesday i stopped by magpie, just to see if there were any amazing finds that i just couldn't live without. i stumbled upon a yellow terry dress and michael jackson thriller t. i wasn't sure if i needed both but i just loved them both and the mj shirt was killer. all worn in and soft. grey. tasty. so yesterday morning threw on my new mj t, some skinny black pants, pair of vans and headed to the salon for work. bruce was wearing similar outfit commenting that at least his didn't have a child molester on it. in mj's defense, i argued that this was back before he molested children, when he was still being molested. later, i was bitching about no good burritos in portland and linc took me to gorditos. fuck yes. this place was the best burrito i've had in daysssss. as soon as my burrito came out of the window of the food cart i tore into, molten hot beans seared the roof of my mouth but it was so glorious i couldn't stop!! then bruce text.. "you are wearing a shirt with a dead child molester on it." what??? michael jackson died i exclaimed and looked down at my shrit. everyone at the cart looked up from delicious snacks in wonder.. "what??" "i'm googling that!" sure enough: dead. age 50. crazy. and i had just thrifted that t the day before. now i was in s swirl of emotions. good burrito. hot beans. mj dead. was it the shirt??

later i met sf - pookie up on alberta for last thursday and let me tell you there were some weirdos up there. crazy time. so many people. so odd. we had to get out of there it was too much. down to katies for some booze. were going to go to a party and sp and i were exchanging numbers and some how he already had it saved as "g". i definitely didn't have his. what? i just met him a few weeks back and i dont every remember exchanging numbers, nor does he... odd. did he get it from me years back in denver and we dont remember?? or was it sunday? but wouldn't he have put my name in on sunday? who knows. later he tried to smooch me and licked my face. gross. who does that. who taught these kids to smooch? jesus christ. i cant wait to see my little silv. mmm. 4 glorious days in san francisco with stellar dude. hell yes.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

still hungover, damn jug o wine..

didn't even realize i drank that much until kev pulled it out of the fridge this morning and showed me i drank almost the whole thing. stellar t. felt like poo all day. had coffee w tk today. he looked well and it was nice to see him. finally feel over things and have fond feelings towards the memories of things. apparently hes trying to be healthy and might want to get the hell out of portland. understandable, especially when all your friends are into things you aren't anymore. sometimes its easier to pick and move away, even if you still love them all. its easier to be who you want to be with no one around to judge you, or judge the change in you when no one knows you. maybe sil wants to move here. i mean little sf is here and all kinds of homies and its less expensive.. maybe i'll daydream away about how he hearts me and wants to move here... mmmm. sent him a text today about how he makes me nervous and giggly like a 12 year old girl. blew my cool!!! oh well i guess. at least i didn't talk to him last night when i was wasted. not that we haven't drank together (hello! the monog. w sf??) but apparently i talked to d and i was a big re. then i came home and threw up and passed out on the toilet and kev had to wake me up when he got back to the apt. i'm so fucking classy i cant even stand it.
been drinking too much this week. need to mellow out a bit. hard with the entire world coming to visit. which i love dont get me wrong but i want to party when the kids are in town. especially wet ones. part of why i left denver.. as mentioned before. i think i need to go to sleep. my head hurts. supposed photo shoot tomorrow. bit nervous. good though.

just noticing the abundance of male friends i play with. i love my female friends but i want to run around like a 12 year old and males are often best for that. and they are low drama. and i heart their lifestyles..most anyway. the traveling ones i've been kickin with as of late especially. like i always say, so many male friends, never any boyfriends. maybe one day....

going to daydream...

Thursday, June 11, 2009

obsessing for a minute

first off, a girl i worked w for a hot minute called this morning asking me to go out for her birthday tonight, something i found odd considering we barely new each other, not even enough to exchange phone numbers.. which makes things even odder: she got my phone number from tk. bizarre. the first time i kicked w tk at my work she mean mugged him the whole night. i know what man mentioned knowing her... maybe they were all kickin it or he recognized her from there and asked for my number? who knows. the thing is i would totally go but boys are in town skating up at hood and invited me up there.. but never told me how to get there and i feel wierd going cause its all doods skating and i feel like i'll look like a pro ho, but i would love to go run around in the woods like a 7 year old. but i should network in pdx and meet more people and get to know them and what not so i guess ill head to dantes around 9. at least then i can figure out why the hell they were talking about me and maybe see tk. haven't spoken to him since... oh man a month? maybe? dont know.. days ago for sure. almost feel ready to see him again. its not as annoying when i smell his smell on the entire world anymore. actually i almost called him the other day to see how he was but i didn't. kinda glad now cause he obviously HAD to at least think about me without me instigating it. and someone spoke highly enough of me to get a number so.. yah.

most importantly::: booked my flight to sf so i can go visit the beautiful silver!! and see sf!! wooo! july 12th baby! cant wait. my brain runs fucking rampant any more. jesus i need to slow it down or something.. i want to run and play and chat and do everything all the time. i dont know how people snort drugs cause i can barely sit still as it is! jesus! well gonna fix myself and ride my bike down to the barmuda triangle and kick.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

delicious boys...mmmmm

so i was going to blog today cause its been quite a minute but not even sure where to start! killing time before the bar, went to the salon in the rain today and no one was there! so came home till 4, but then just decided to do laundry instead, been an interesting day! i was kinda bummed cause i could have gone up to hood to see mho while hes in town but its ok. probly would have gotten in trouble and i wouldn't have chatted it up with pretty silver who called and invited me to stay with him in july! mmm.. that delicious man. maybe a little crazy but who cares! i rather enjoy an eclectic artist and you have to be a little nutty to fall into that category yes? and hes so pretty and nice. i wouldnt even know he might be a tad nuts if i hadn't Internet stalked him like i do... mmmm.... its already been a week since i've seen him but i still cant shake him. i want to see him right now. hope i still feel the same by the time i go there! even if i dont its a free place to stay and hes gorgeous so i cant imagine not! i know he'll show me a good time and its not like i would have a serious bf in the span of 6 weeks. less than 6 weeks! is 4 days enough? probly cause we've only kicked a little. that should be the perfect time span. long enough to hang out, short enough to get away. and just enough time to party in sf in all its glory. cant wait!

waiting for kev to call me, he should be rolling into town real soon here. he and t are (hopefully not too many more) are staying here i think tonight then heading to hood tomorrow. i'll probly head up tomorrow eve after work since i dont have to be at the bar till 730 on friday. haven't been up there yet so it should be fun with all the hot boys on skateboards. i'm such a crazy old lady already.. ha.

Monday, May 4, 2009

graduation letter

the first of my nieces/nephews is graduation high school and i feel that i want to do something for her besides throw money at her (not that i wont do that because come on, who doesn't want/expect cash flow for graduation? especially cause i'm the lame poor aunt who lives far away and lives the good life.. or odd life whatever). so i decided to write her a letter but who the hell knows what its going to say. heres a beginning attempt:

so high school came and went. i hope it was awesome. or as awesome as high school can be. but heres to the rest of your life! from here on out there are going to be a million possibilities.. and just as many disappointments. you are an amazing human with so many talents, and so pretty look at too. so many things have gone your way thus far. you are so incredibly lucky! you may not be aware of it yet, but one day you will realize the amazing gifts you have been given.

as you grow up, which you will do a shit ton of the next few years! oh man! anywho, do not, and i repeat DO NOT ever grow up. learn. learn as much as you can. about ANYTHING. ask questions, especially to people you do know and about things you know nothing about. even if you think you sound stupid. thats when its most important. but learn, learn, learn, and grow, grow, grow, but dont grow up. remember that chubby little child inside so excited to lick the beaters! remember how fun it was to run around the playground screaming with out a care in the world! remember laughing and laughing and laughing at the stupidest thing ever in the whole wide world (never ever quit doing that ever by the way)!

remember when you were a kidlet... what did you want to be when you grow up? there may have been a few different things, but those were what you were most passionate about because back then you weren't aware of limitations. remember those early dreams and make sure they come true one day. always follow your dreams even if they feel "stupid" or "unattainable" or "not sensible". as long as you are being as true to yourself as you possibly can, you can never go wrong. in any situation. if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't, but thats not to say dont try it. sometimes we need to push the limits of our comfort zones in order to expand our knowledge and experience. most times actually. but trust your gut. if you get into a position /situation that doesn't feel right, calmly get yourself out.

i want you to do something for me: the next few years i want to you to meet as many people as possible and get to as much shit (adventures!!!) as possible. i only wish i had gotten into more. and sometimes its ok to do what youre "not supposed to". i worked very hard through school and had a great time but i got a lot more out of life once i didn't take it so seriously. which leads me back to my original point.. DONT EVER GROW UP. not for real.

grow. live. be.

i'm so incredibly honored to have you as my niece and couldn't have asked for a better one! please, please, please call me whenever you have a question about anything at all or if you ever are in need. there isn't a lot i haven't seen either personally or through my good homies these days so please dont hesitate to call for any reason at all. even if you are bored, or had one too many cocktails or its 3 am (im probably up, i keep weird hours) i dont care. i know i'm not the most conventional of aunts but i'm hoping that means we can have most unconventional relationship (those are always the best) as we continue down this yellow brick road together.

auntie tine
ps you can follow my stupid blog at and my lovely flickr at

when it rains

the rain in this city is crazy. though it threatens rail most days, it doesn't always happen, and when it does, its mostly a chilly drizzle. rarely do you hear the rain pounding upon the windows. even then, its simply rain, unaccompanied by thunder (unless, perhaps, you are very lucky). the rain was heavy today. i car hear it just outside my tiny apartment... odd how it rains in this city.

enjoying an eve alone with some delicious wine and a spliff.. as i spend most evenings alone. was kind of in the mood to get into something but it seems as if nothing exciting is goings down so i will enjoy my solitude, as i so often do. not lonely or heavy today. its nice.

my neighbor to the east just coughed. i heard him through the tiny space which echos between my building and the one next to it. i saw him for the first time since i've lived here last week. since then there have been a variety of odd objects appearing in the hallway outside his apartment.. a jesus candle, large photographs in frames and tennis balls. lots and lots of tennis balls (its pouring now...). and for the first time i've noticed a light coming from that apartment reflecting on the wall outside and his window open. i even heard him talking the other day. so so odd. i wasn't even sure someone lived there except for the odd ups packages sitting outside the door for days at a time.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

i dont know where to start for my brains keeps swimming in a whirl pool around the same stupid issue, unable to come up with any conclusions. so much that i dont even know where to begin to write. it basically comes down to the fact that i'm lonely. again. as per usual i guess. dew asked if i would be lonely when i got here, i said i was already lonely. for some reason i had this romanticized idea that i would find some companionship when i got here. i guess it gave me some sort of something to look forward to. i needed something to grasp onto. i still do. i need something to look forward to each day. i dont know where to look right now. i've been having a hard time being in the moment lately. i guess for a while now or i would have been content at home. im constantly looking for a distraction. or is that life? what is life with out searching for that special distraction? person? place? or thing? nothing is satisfying. i need to find a salon. no putting it off anymore. patience doesn't work for me. i need to be constructively doing something i love and nothing is in that spot right now.

i need to remember that i chose the position i'm in and its really not a bad one. if i didn't do i would have wondered my whole life. i'm pushing the limits as cinder said, i'm learning a whole lot about myself. every fucking day. up down sideways. it aint always pretty. sometimes it is, but it always seems to be bittersweet.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

i lost my heart shapped sunnies

sad day. or maybe i'm sad today cause i'm pmsing. or maybe i'm sad cause i miss tk. maybe im a touch hung over. whatever the reason i'm sad today. i do really miss tk however. it felt so good to see him last week. we talked about hanging out either last night or today, but i have yet to hear from him. as always. for some reason i just love to be near him. i love the sex too but we cant do that anymore. i need a little separation from him. i do wish things were different though. i dont think he misses me like i miss him. i'm also a little mad at him for his stupid quote on myspace on not meeting anyone from the opposite sex who is honest with him and i'll probably call him out on it. 1. i was nothing but honest. too honest. 2. i dont believe hes looking very hard, if at all and he needs to stop pretending that he is.

i know i have so much other things going on and so many people who love me and think the world of me that i shouldn't care but i really just miss that little shit. it beautiful outside and i feel like i should enjoy the sunshine but i'm so tired and sad today i dont think i can. maybe sleep for a while and then ill walk echo some more.

in other news:
while having cocktails with d last night we put together that his parents and al's parents totally knew each other back in the day in boulder, through drugs and what not. crazy! i heart d hes such a good kiddo and i love kickin with him.
t and i decided to get married in 10 years. if all else fails anyway which i'm sure it will. at least it gives me something to hold on to when i'm feeling down. theres always my little harter.

Friday, April 10, 2009

sublty perplexed

after spending the evening with sf the other night, i realized a few things. that boy is super nice and i feel that he would treat me rather well. however we did not have a strong chemistry, which made me miss tk. but i broke up with tk because he couldn't provide the companionship that sf can offer. two important things that one offers that the other doesn't. on the one hand, i haven't spent a whole lot of time with sf, there is a possibility that chemistry could grow, especially if i respect him as a person. on the other hand maybe tk will realize the connection and be able to give me the small amount of companionship i'm asking for. or, in more realistic terms neither of these ideals will come through and i'm left with man i'm super hot for who drives me insane, one who might make me crazy but always leaves me wanting more (hey maybe we'd balance each other out) or one who i always know will be there but i'm not super hot for..

ok i know i would get bored if the chemistry doesn't start to heat up with sf, especially cause i have enough guy friends who are there when i need.. sometimes i just need a hot piece of ass. but at the same time i'm kind of ready to have someone to take home at holidays. someone to share lunch with some i'm not the only pig at the table eating their whole meal. ha. but i've been that person for so long and it fits so well..

maybe i was too sensitive to tk? we have so much fun together its amazing. but hes in a different place than me and i think he is afraid (or knows hes not ready, which is ok... hello its a red head thing) to settle down with someone again. he had his whole life set and it blew up and then he was totally lost. which is how life is i think. but i'm not sure if hes ok with that yet. hell when everything is set it starts to get boring anyhow. maybe i sold myself short with tk.

i guess i'm going to play the game for a minute (the best i can anyhow) even though i dont love it. i think that this boy might need it. and maybe it will be fun. lets call it an experiment. if nothing else it will teach me to let things lie for a bit. something i'm not good at, at all!

as my camcam said, only time will tell. patience my little tine, patience.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

the epitome of companionhsip

deb and tom are, to me, are companionship to the fullest extent. the other night they wandered in katies and i asked where they had been, i hadn't seen them in a few days and deb says "we managed to get a few nights in a hotel, he kept me naked the whole time! you know, you cant really get naked over at the camp," referencing the corner of the empty building they sleep under. though i was a touch creeped out, i was so stoked that through everything, they still like to get down! tom said to me one morning after deb was rushing him along, "she gets on me but i sure love her." Once i shared my lunch with them and deb sat at the bar waiting for tom to get done playing video poker before she ate anything, then she sat at the bar and re-braided his beard before heading out again. Maybe this is a mutual respect and agreement reached over many years on the street. maybe its the only way they can survive but to me, i can only dream of companionship so rich.

Friday, April 3, 2009


i am in a dire need of owning a couch. i have a small studio apartment with a few pieces of hand me down/trashpicked furniture, all of which i have grown rather attached to over the years. however the one piece i enjoy most of all is my glorious bed. the smell of it is intoxicating, and while i sleep so well in it, since i own no couch, or even chair for that matter, i am forced to conduct all of my home business from it. pretty soon i'm kind of chilly so i get under the covers. then the smell wafts up from my pillow and beatrix kiddo cuddles up next to me and before you know it i've been asleep for 2 hours and got nothing accomplished. again. i'm convinced that if i can find a couch and a few chairs i will stay away from my bed at least a little bit. the tomb-like ambiance of my little apartment doesn't help, as a large cement wall 4 feet from my windows blocks any and all sunlight that manages to filter through the oregon clouds... my next question is how on earth am i going to get a couch in here... hmm.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

day of irritation

id like to start off with the fact that i still have not been in contact with tk order to break things off. he managed to text me "i'm so sorry my. i hopped out of bed and on to my bike. may i call when i'm off? i'm not sure what happened last night..." and then never called. ever. i wonder if he knows that the longer he waits to talk to me the more i want to gouge his eye balls out. really i just want to have a quick chat to clear the slate because i hate having unfinished business and i hate being mad at people. either he knows whats in store and doesn't want to deal or has no idea and thinks he needs to talk me down from the ledge or thinks i'm going to yell at him and his tail is between his legs. either way he needs to fucking man up. hes almost 32 for christ's sake! how come in the last 4 months i've managed to get involved with 2 dudes over 30 who are even less emotionally mature than the retards my age? this one didn't even skate! and he found me! i dont even know anymore.

in other news: went to my fathers place to have snacks and it was the worst shit ever. the server was fat and slow and wouldn't refill my coffee. she totally ignored the people who joined the table after we ordered. she left d's bloody mary at the bar for at least 20 minutes and she put d's wallet behind the bar with out telling him. oh and the food was terrible.

my cat is vibing me to feed her so i should probably do that before she tries to eat my face.

Monday, March 30, 2009

so lame

so i've officially decided that tk is toxic and we need to break it off and he wont even call me back so i can break up with him! what a shit. it would be ok but he has my favorite aa shirt and i really really want it back. if he would at least text me back! oh he irritates me. i need to have some sort of "closer" lame i know, so i can cut him out of my mind because hes sucking the life out of me and he doesn't even know or care! ahhhhh! would write more however i have no energy left to put into it. not even contemplative. i'm just so done, cant wait to be over it.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

internet once again

so i'm going to try to write more now that i have internet again. daily if possible. not that most things i have to write about are that interesting but you know.

so i've been hanging out real tough with a boy for a little over a month that i'm pretty into. i also enjoy his friends and like kicking with all of them. though all of this is wonderful, i'm entirely sure how invested tk. he says that he knows lots of people and wants to introduce me which is wonderful cause i dont know a lot of people and also speaks highly of me. he also mentioned he was afraid that in a few months when i met more people i wouldn't be into him anymore.. anywho, my point is that as much as i would love to jump right in with tk and his friends he wont entirely let me do it (maybe really is afraid i'd run away from him) so i'm keeping my options open, which isn't entirely a bad thing considering i dont know a lot of people here. i've been corresponding with a boy from sf via text, as well as occasional run ins on the street, and we talk about hanging out. this boy is cute but i'm not entirely looking to date him. first because i need to meet more people on the friend level especially i already have a beau i'm into and second i'm not sure how i feel about "dating" two boys at once. it just feels weird and manipulative and selfish. but do i let sf know that i'm kind of seeing someone? is that presumptuous that he even wanted that to begin with? or do i not tell him and just hang out? is that disclosing information? really i just want to hang with him and his boys cause i feel like we would get along and the more friends the better right now. and if i do end up liking him or any of his friends down the line we have already established some sort of connection for then. and they probably have rad female chicks i can befriend also. and hopefully they dont do so many drugs. whats with all the drugs these days? jesus christ people.
enough rant for today.

Friday, March 6, 2009

i'm not scared of being alone. i'm scared of what someone will really think of me if i let them all the way into the labyrinth of my brain.

been writing at home in my journal as of late due to the fact i have no interweb at home. this however will soon change. not that i dont love the coffee shop but its starting to irritate me. especially when i have something to get off my chest and i have to write in that damn notebook and i cant keep up with my stupid thoughts!

i definitely have too many thoughts going on these days too! it seems i'm a perfectly normal individual until i have some sort of involvement with the opposite sex and then i cant get out of my fucking head! and by involvement i mean one of actual feelings not just hot sex. i'm working very hard and trying to stay present and not let my thoughts get ahead of me but man thats hard! maybe cause its been a long damn time since a man i'm interested in is actually interested in me and for some reason i find that hard to wrap my brain around. obviously being single for so many years and living alone i've become pretty independent, but i'm at a place in my live where i'm ready to let someone into that space i take up so much room in. when i find someone i think is worthy to actually occupy some of that space i get so nervous that they dont want to be there and i freak out. where as when i dont want someone there they like to take up more than i want. then i over analyze everything in existence from the meaning of life to what is says if i wear these boots. how do i escape my swelling head? i've tried drugs but apparently not the right ones cause that just intensified it. usually thats my go to but not this time! i tried booze but generally when i try to escape feeling with booze i cry/walk home and this time it was bad! sometimes i wish i was a kid again when i was perfectly happy riding my bike around the block for hours at a time only wondering if we were going to have chicken AGAIN for dinner.

and now the reason why i feel the need to spill out all these stupid random thoughts: ive reached a conclusion!! i'm not scared of being alone. i'm scared of what someone will really think of me if i let them all the way into the labyrinth of my brain.

Friday, February 6, 2009

when you realize

that guys only talk to you cause they want to have sex with you, its weird. one the one side theres a validation that boys think your hot. but then they kinda want to have sex with just about anything anyhow. but theres that annoying part about never having guy friends, especially when you've had so many for so long. like i said, i guess is flattering and validating that they think your kinda foxy, but do you have to talk about it and be an ass hole about the whole thing?

so jimmy, a guy i work with asked if i wanted to go to a show with him and a guy from his band last night and i said yes
1. because i always love a good show, something i've always done with guy friends cause its rare that you find a chick who wants to go to shows all the time. or it was when i was growing up anywho.
2. as cameron likes to reiterate often, this move is about getting out of my comfort zone so i had to go anyhow even if i didn't feel comfortable
3. i should meet as many people as possible cause i dont know anyone

so the show was great and i had a lot of fun... until crazy jimmy, who i will forever refer to him as due to his FUCKED UP relationship in which he as dated the same girl for 13 years, since he was 15, though they constantly cheat on each other and have domestic disputes but wont break up cause thats too hard. what? seriously though? but he got super drunk, fine whatever like i dont have plenty of experience with drunk ass homies, but then he started crossing lines. the crazy asked if he could like my armpit. ok whatever gets your socks off. then mid conversation he licked the side of my face. weird. and then he says to his friend, josh i believe his name was, that josh always get the girls pregnant that he brings out. ok not comfortable anymore.. and then i smoke bombed.

i guess however naively i assumed that since jimmy had a gf that he was somewhat monogamous and that he sincerely invited me to the show cause he thought i would enjoy it. he said he didn't want to hook up with people he worked with cause thats not ok, not that i wasn't attractive. ok i can handle that. pleasing actually. but then when i find out that really i'm just a sex object not ok. i guess its whatever and talk about it all you want when i'm not around but not in front of me. the first time we hang out. maybe hes just a drunk fuck who is crazy in his head (duh).

its funny cause when you only have male homies and not a bf you think thats all you are good for, but then when you dont have either and you are just a sex object its so demeaning and annoying. well i guess this move was to learn about myself and life.. so far success!

its also funny cause i dont think of myself as attractive, i think i'm a dorky fun little chic whos a little odd and quirky... but as of late things seem to proving different.. its an awkward feeling.

Monday, February 2, 2009

matador post

at the matador drinking pbr (which everyone refers to as pabts here in portland... wierd) waiting for graham so we can ride bikes like the 12 year old kids we are.

so they cut my sweet 4 shifts at the kob to 3 shifts so now i HAVE to get my salon job or i cant pay rent. sweet. not that i dont need to get on that anyway but i didn't want it to be so stressful. i'm kinda bummin on that whole sitch anywho cause that interview at urbacca was super stellar and then they never called. when i stooped by today they guy behind the counter looked at me like a crazy. i'm trying to remember that whatever happens will be for the best and not to rush it or freak out but its hard. i mean, how do you convince someone to hire you. i mean i'm a killer assistant and would a killer job... do i just say that. i mean i talked up my bar tending skills which SUCK and managed to get that job. of course not right away. i was third choice but i'm killing it anyway so oh well. i'm trying to remind myself that maybe i wont be first choice for a salon spot but once i'm there if i work hard they will be stoked on me. but i keep questioning my worth for some reason. i dunno maybe i was just in a bad spot this morning when i couldn't shake those thoughts.

ha so i opened a tab cause the beer was 15o and i hate tipping 50 but i didn't want to tip 15o on a 150 beer... but now i dont really want another beer. of course if i go home i'm just going to stare at things while graham takes his sweet time eating soup so i might as well stay here and ramble on about bull shit eh? apparently i'm canadian now.. i tried to talk bri into coming to have a beer with me but i wont hold my breath. she probably thinks i have a drinking problem cause i drink by myself. but i had a long day! and i needed interweb. oooh pixies. beside the fact that i already had a beer in the shower...

its funny graham commented on how different bri and i are and that we are such good friends and its so true. like the other eve while bri scoot and i sat here and i had a beer and they watched and then they went home at 930 even though they were off the next day and i had to work at 730. and she text me and told me she didn't have any money till next weekend. i just cant fathom my life like that... living so far from the city, never meeting up with friends. day in day out, boring job, watch tv, bed at 9 get up at 630 back to job i hate. fuck that. i dont EVER in a million years want that. it depresses me just thinking about that. i know she probably looks down on the shit bag life style i live but i do my best to be a good person and i love my life so oh well. and i love her so f it. i have to go get my other beer and close my tab. heh.

Friday, January 30, 2009

sitting in the coffee shop window..

maybe i look like a pretentious asshole sitting in the coffee shop on my laptop with my headphones on but if i had Internet at home this wouldn't be an issue.. its not like i come here to look "cool" or whatever. really im just poor. from now on i will further attribute this same trait to others sitting in the coffee shop. oh and the guy who works here is kinda foxy so yah.

so i'm settled into my new space though i feel i need some thrift store chairs and possibly a couch if i can find one in my budget. its a great little spot, aside from the brick wall it looks out at, but hey, gotta make sacrifices somewhere. besides i only signed a 6 month lease so if its super lame i'll just leave! the location is stellar however, in my humble opinion. i still feel like i need to get out and explore some more so i'll probably do that this afternoon since i'm off. i like that i get to walk everywhere cause i really enjoy walking and kinda despise driving. maybe i'll get to sell my car, especially cause its nearly impossible to park around here! i guess if i ever get a salon job where i can actually walk to work.

sorry i'm so insightful, or lack there of, today. i guess theres just random shit on my mind. or maybe stuff i'm not sure if i need to put in writing as of yet.. things still up in the air. maybe thats why i've been so crazy lately. i feel like my head is alllll over the place and i cant focus on anything! maybe it was all the moving and whatnot i needed to get back into a schedule.

i love sitting in the window cause i get to watch the odd people of portland wander about. graham said that "theres no attractive women in portland"... which is possible but i think its just that they aren't so plastic so the attractive quotient is a bit different, which im kinda down with, especially after working at the salon of barbies. speaking of cam is coming out in a week and i'm soooo stooooked! its gonna be a shit show i know, but i cant wait. so thats enough blabbering i guess. more later.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

can i tell you over the attitude i am?

a lot! no body likes a know it all. or at least most people dont. i have no idea how the hell you have a committed relationship with one cause living with it drives me insane! my only plus side is that at least there is someone for everyone... i just hope my little lady isn't settling cause she deserves better. oh and i LOVE and can i say L O V E when i get to prove that little shit wrong. everyone likes to be right but i generally dont care too much, unless its rubbing wrongness in a know it all's face! even more when its something they care about that they think you know nothing about cause you just moved to this city and you are a woman. oh man thats validating. oh and stop putting the 2 things i left in the living room in my room. my boots were wet and i like the cross word puzzle book out there cause i'm an old lady. i dont put your shit in your room do i? besides, i take up 1 tiny room in this 3 bedroom house, cant i leave 2 things in the living room? YOU HAVE THE WHOLE HOUSE!!! soon enough i will have my own little place i know. until then i'm going to rant on here because i can.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

employed. finally.

apparently i am the latest addition to katie o'brians. its a little old and dingy looking inside but hey, who cares? oh and i have to work breakfast but i dont have THAT much experience behind the bar and really i just need someone to pay me money so who the hell cares yes? i'm hoping to meet lots of interesting people i can share stories about. we were pretty slow today so nothing interesting. thats all for now i guess.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

maybe i should sell my car

its something i've been thinking about for a while now. not only will i inevitably save money on gas and insurance it will help save the environment. sure its convenient, but who's to say it makes me a better person? its just a thing. i guess it comes in handy when taking the kids to the vet, but i could always take a cab in those instances. i may want it to drive home in cause its cheaper, but if i stay for a while i'll start collecting belongings again and then i'll need a truck anywho. and with all the money i save from not having a car MAYBE i can save enough to get a truck home.

obviously i'm not going to sell it tomorrow but its something to think about. if it was paid off too, that would be a different story. ill wait a few months and see how i feel when i get settled but i think i want to sell it. i wish i wouldn't have bought it actually. i wanted it to go to the mountains but i hardly went after i bought it! and i was living in the city and could have taken the bus. though it was quick and warm in the winter.

i could save so much money if i had a significant other. we could share the car, an apartment, bills. im pretty sure thats not the life i will have though. i like my independence too much. maybe i've never met someone i'm willing to sacrifice my life for yet, or maybe i'm not at the right point in my life.. you know, the point where i'm willing to sacrifice. but there are a lot of ways i could save money. i could eat less. i could shop less. i could SELL THE CAR. all of those are good ideas. i'll work on money saving...

"i drew my favorite sceen from waiting to exhale.."

...what? first of all who has a favorite scene from waiting to exhale? second who thinks that's an adequate drawing in pictionary? like any other person has seen waiting to exhale enough to know what scene you are drawing? apparently the guy i met last evening at the night light as a potential room mate LOVES that movie. hes got to be gay cause what straight guy would say that? really i cant think of another human who would say that...

anyhow he was super nice and had a real nice house (except for the odd blue bathroom..) and LOTS of video game consoles including nintendo, super nintendo and sega as well as new games like rock band! i would have a super fun time there, oh yes i would. but i cant help but worry that he thinks i'm a nut job cause well, i am. everyone is i guess but most people hide it until they get to know people. i generally just throw it right our there, especially after a few cocktails. oops. but he hung out at the bar and played pictionary with us and even if he doesn't want to live w me (or vis a vis... if i get some jobs this week as i might live alone...) i would be down to have hh with him again. or see his band or go to a show or whatever. i know many people here so who cares yes?

scoot just took this kraut/potato/bacon pie thing out of the oven and smells real nice so i'm going to go check it.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

i wonder if i share too much info

so i'm trying to find a place to live right? well there is a new ad on craigs list today for a 28yearold male who lives in hawthorne who sounds remarkably like me so i emailed him. now in the past people's posts i've responded to have said things like "tell me a little bit about your self so i have something to go on" and they never write me back, for one reason or another. so this guy mentioned he had an exotic dandelion garden (there was a photo too...) and not only did i think this was hilarious but i love dandelions. i've always said the boy who shows up with a fist full of dandelions will win my heart. so i emailed him about his dandelions, and about the other things we had in common and signed off. then i remembered the animals and i have to throw that in cause i want him to know what he's in for. but i dont want him to think they are big stinky animals i wont take care of and this is what i said:

oh and i have a 16lb, 13 year old sheltie that i simply cant part with (she mostly sleeps and shes almost blind and deaf so shes real easy and real cute) and an 8 month year old street kitten i took in this summer. they are more than happy to stay in my room when i'm not room and the kitty is easly trained not to scratch and she never ever pees outside her litter box (cat pee is the WORST). i'm a VERY responsible pet owner and would never expect you to take care of them unless for some reason i cant or you feel like you want to. they both take a while to warm up to people so if you dont want them all over you they wont be. sorry for the long post script.

and know i probably sound like a crazy and never write back. what are you supposed to say in these things? if he never responds i'm not going to give so much info and just get them to meet me. ha. well i have a second interview next week with a salon and its on hawthorne this house could be good, especially if i have to sell the jetta and take the bus every day cause its just strait down hawthorne like 20 blocks. hopefully i can keep the jetta cause it will be paid off in a year and that would be soo nice. the rent at this place is $500 which i'm used to, but i'll have to pay trash and untils. i'm going to need a second job regardless but maybe he'll know someone! yah! ok enough crazy for today.

happy new year