i dont know where to start for my brains keeps swimming in a whirl pool around the same stupid issue, unable to come up with any conclusions. so much that i dont even know where to begin to write. it basically comes down to the fact that i'm lonely. again. as per usual i guess. dew asked if i would be lonely when i got here, i said i was already lonely. for some reason i had this romanticized idea that i would find some companionship when i got here. i guess it gave me some sort of something to look forward to. i needed something to grasp onto. i still do. i need something to look forward to each day. i dont know where to look right now. i've been having a hard time being in the moment lately. i guess for a while now or i would have been content at home. im constantly looking for a distraction. or is that life? what is life with out searching for that special distraction? person? place? or thing? nothing is satisfying. i need to find a salon. no putting it off anymore. patience doesn't work for me. i need to be constructively doing something i love and nothing is in that spot right now.

i need to remember that i chose the position i'm in and its really not a bad one. if i didn't do i would have wondered my whole life. i'm pushing the limits as cinder said, i'm learning a whole lot about myself. every fucking day. up down sideways. it aint always pretty. sometimes it is, but it always seems to be bittersweet.

i lost my heart shapped sunnies

sad day. or maybe i'm sad today cause i'm pmsing. or maybe i'm sad cause i miss tk. maybe im a touch hung over. whatever the reason i'm sad today. i do really miss tk however. it felt so good to see him last week. we talked about hanging out either last night or today, but i have yet to hear from him. as always. for some reason i just love to be near him. i love the sex too but we cant do that anymore. i need a little separation from him. i do wish things were different though. i dont think he misses me like i miss him. i'm also a little mad at him for his stupid quote on myspace on not meeting anyone from the opposite sex who is honest with him and i'll probably call him out on it. 1. i was nothing but honest. too honest. 2. i dont believe hes looking very hard, if at all and he needs to stop pretending that he is.

i know i have so much other things going on and so many people who love me and think the world of me that i shouldn't care but i really just miss that little shit. it beautiful outside and i feel like i should enjoy the sunshine but i'm so tired and sad today i dont think i can. maybe sleep for a while and then ill walk echo some more.

in other news:
while having cocktails with d last night we put together that his parents and al's parents totally knew each other back in the day in boulder, through drugs and what not. crazy! i heart d hes such a good kiddo and i love kickin with him.
t and i decided to get married in 10 years. if all else fails anyway which i'm sure it will. at least it gives me something to hold on to when i'm feeling down. theres always my little harter.

sublty perplexed

after spending the evening with sf the other night, i realized a few things. that boy is super nice and i feel that he would treat me rather well. however we did not have a strong chemistry, which made me miss tk. but i broke up with tk because he couldn't provide the companionship that sf can offer. two important things that one offers that the other doesn't. on the one hand, i haven't spent a whole lot of time with sf, there is a possibility that chemistry could grow, especially if i respect him as a person. on the other hand maybe tk will realize the connection and be able to give me the small amount of companionship i'm asking for. or, in more realistic terms neither of these ideals will come through and i'm left with man i'm super hot for who drives me insane, one who might make me crazy but always leaves me wanting more (hey maybe we'd balance each other out) or one who i always know will be there but i'm not super hot for..

ok i know i would get bored if the chemistry doesn't start to heat up with sf, especially cause i have enough guy friends who are there when i need.. sometimes i just need a hot piece of ass. but at the same time i'm kind of ready to have someone to take home at holidays. someone to share lunch with some i'm not the only pig at the table eating their whole meal. ha. but i've been that person for so long and it fits so well..

maybe i was too sensitive to tk? we have so much fun together its amazing. but hes in a different place than me and i think he is afraid (or knows hes not ready, which is ok... hello its a red head thing) to settle down with someone again. he had his whole life set and it blew up and then he was totally lost. which is how life is i think. but i'm not sure if hes ok with that yet. hell when everything is set it starts to get boring anyhow. maybe i sold myself short with tk.

i guess i'm going to play the game for a minute (the best i can anyhow) even though i dont love it. i think that this boy might need it. and maybe it will be fun. lets call it an experiment. if nothing else it will teach me to let things lie for a bit. something i'm not good at, at all!

as my camcam said, only time will tell. patience my little tine, patience.

the epitome of companionhsip

deb and tom are, to me, are companionship to the fullest extent. the other night they wandered in katies and i asked where they had been, i hadn't seen them in a few days and deb says "we managed to get a few nights in a hotel, he kept me naked the whole time! you know, you cant really get naked over at the camp," referencing the corner of the empty building they sleep under. though i was a touch creeped out, i was so stoked that through everything, they still like to get down! tom said to me one morning after deb was rushing him along, "she gets on me but i sure love her." Once i shared my lunch with them and deb sat at the bar waiting for tom to get done playing video poker before she ate anything, then she sat at the bar and re-braided his beard before heading out again. Maybe this is a mutual respect and agreement reached over many years on the street. maybe its the only way they can survive but to me, i can only dream of companionship so rich.

couch

i am in a dire need of owning a couch. i have a small studio apartment with a few pieces of hand me down/trashpicked furniture, all of which i have grown rather attached to over the years. however the one piece i enjoy most of all is my glorious bed. the smell of it is intoxicating, and while i sleep so well in it, since i own no couch, or even chair for that matter, i am forced to conduct all of my home business from it. pretty soon i'm kind of chilly so i get under the covers. then the smell wafts up from my pillow and beatrix kiddo cuddles up next to me and before you know it i've been asleep for 2 hours and got nothing accomplished. again. i'm convinced that if i can find a couch and a few chairs i will stay away from my bed at least a little bit. the tomb-like ambiance of my little apartment doesn't help, as a large cement wall 4 feet from my windows blocks any and all sunlight that manages to filter through the oregon clouds... my next question is how on earth am i going to get a couch in here... hmm.