Friday, February 6, 2009

when you realize

that guys only talk to you cause they want to have sex with you, its weird. one the one side theres a validation that boys think your hot. but then they kinda want to have sex with just about anything anyhow. but theres that annoying part about never having guy friends, especially when you've had so many for so long. like i said, i guess is flattering and validating that they think your kinda foxy, but do you have to talk about it and be an ass hole about the whole thing?

so jimmy, a guy i work with asked if i wanted to go to a show with him and a guy from his band last night and i said yes
1. because i always love a good show, something i've always done with guy friends cause its rare that you find a chick who wants to go to shows all the time. or it was when i was growing up anywho.
2. as cameron likes to reiterate often, this move is about getting out of my comfort zone so i had to go anyhow even if i didn't feel comfortable
3. i should meet as many people as possible cause i dont know anyone

so the show was great and i had a lot of fun... until crazy jimmy, who i will forever refer to him as due to his FUCKED UP relationship in which he as dated the same girl for 13 years, since he was 15, though they constantly cheat on each other and have domestic disputes but wont break up cause thats too hard. what? seriously though? but he got super drunk, fine whatever like i dont have plenty of experience with drunk ass homies, but then he started crossing lines. the crazy asked if he could like my armpit. ok whatever gets your socks off. then mid conversation he licked the side of my face. weird. and then he says to his friend, josh i believe his name was, that josh always get the girls pregnant that he brings out. ok not comfortable anymore.. and then i smoke bombed.

i guess however naively i assumed that since jimmy had a gf that he was somewhat monogamous and that he sincerely invited me to the show cause he thought i would enjoy it. he said he didn't want to hook up with people he worked with cause thats not ok, not that i wasn't attractive. ok i can handle that. pleasing actually. but then when i find out that really i'm just a sex object not ok. i guess its whatever and talk about it all you want when i'm not around but not in front of me. the first time we hang out. maybe hes just a drunk fuck who is crazy in his head (duh).

its funny cause when you only have male homies and not a bf you think thats all you are good for, but then when you dont have either and you are just a sex object its so demeaning and annoying. well i guess this move was to learn about myself and life.. so far success!

its also funny cause i dont think of myself as attractive, i think i'm a dorky fun little chic whos a little odd and quirky... but as of late things seem to proving different.. its an awkward feeling.

Monday, February 2, 2009

matador post

at the matador drinking pbr (which everyone refers to as pabts here in portland... wierd) waiting for graham so we can ride bikes like the 12 year old kids we are.

so they cut my sweet 4 shifts at the kob to 3 shifts so now i HAVE to get my salon job or i cant pay rent. sweet. not that i dont need to get on that anyway but i didn't want it to be so stressful. i'm kinda bummin on that whole sitch anywho cause that interview at urbacca was super stellar and then they never called. when i stooped by today they guy behind the counter looked at me like a crazy. i'm trying to remember that whatever happens will be for the best and not to rush it or freak out but its hard. i mean, how do you convince someone to hire you. i mean i'm a killer assistant and would a killer job... do i just say that. i mean i talked up my bar tending skills which SUCK and managed to get that job. of course not right away. i was third choice but i'm killing it anyway so oh well. i'm trying to remind myself that maybe i wont be first choice for a salon spot but once i'm there if i work hard they will be stoked on me. but i keep questioning my worth for some reason. i dunno maybe i was just in a bad spot this morning when i couldn't shake those thoughts.

ha so i opened a tab cause the beer was 15o and i hate tipping 50 but i didn't want to tip 15o on a 150 beer... but now i dont really want another beer. of course if i go home i'm just going to stare at things while graham takes his sweet time eating soup so i might as well stay here and ramble on about bull shit eh? apparently i'm canadian now.. i tried to talk bri into coming to have a beer with me but i wont hold my breath. she probably thinks i have a drinking problem cause i drink by myself. but i had a long day! and i needed interweb. oooh pixies. beside the fact that i already had a beer in the shower...

its funny graham commented on how different bri and i are and that we are such good friends and its so true. like the other eve while bri scoot and i sat here and i had a beer and they watched and then they went home at 930 even though they were off the next day and i had to work at 730. and she text me and told me she didn't have any money till next weekend. i just cant fathom my life like that... living so far from the city, never meeting up with friends. day in day out, boring job, watch tv, bed at 9 get up at 630 back to job i hate. fuck that. i dont EVER in a million years want that. it depresses me just thinking about that. i know she probably looks down on the shit bag life style i live but i do my best to be a good person and i love my life so oh well. and i love her so f it. i have to go get my other beer and close my tab. heh.