i dont know where to start for my brains keeps swimming in a whirl pool around the same stupid issue, unable to come up with any conclusions. so much that i dont even know where to begin to write. it basically comes down to the fact that i'm lonely. again. as per usual i guess. dew asked if i would be lonely when i got here, i said i was already lonely. for some reason i had this romanticized idea that i would find some companionship when i got here. i guess it gave me some sort of something to look forward to. i needed something to grasp onto. i still do. i need something to look forward to each day. i dont know where to look right now. i've been having a hard time being in the moment lately. i guess for a while now or i would have been content at home. im constantly looking for a distraction. or is that life? what is life with out searching for that special distraction? person? place? or thing? nothing is satisfying. i need to find a salon. no putting it off anymore. patience doesn't work for me. i need to be constructively doing something i love and nothing is in that spot right now.

i need to remember that i chose the position i'm in and its really not a bad one. if i didn't do i would have wondered my whole life. i'm pushing the limits as cinder said, i'm learning a whole lot about myself. every fucking day. up down sideways. it aint always pretty. sometimes it is, but it always seems to be bittersweet.