sublty perplexed

after spending the evening with sf the other night, i realized a few things. that boy is super nice and i feel that he would treat me rather well. however we did not have a strong chemistry, which made me miss tk. but i broke up with tk because he couldn't provide the companionship that sf can offer. two important things that one offers that the other doesn't. on the one hand, i haven't spent a whole lot of time with sf, there is a possibility that chemistry could grow, especially if i respect him as a person. on the other hand maybe tk will realize the connection and be able to give me the small amount of companionship i'm asking for. or, in more realistic terms neither of these ideals will come through and i'm left with man i'm super hot for who drives me insane, one who might make me crazy but always leaves me wanting more (hey maybe we'd balance each other out) or one who i always know will be there but i'm not super hot for..

ok i know i would get bored if the chemistry doesn't start to heat up with sf, especially cause i have enough guy friends who are there when i need.. sometimes i just need a hot piece of ass. but at the same time i'm kind of ready to have someone to take home at holidays. someone to share lunch with some i'm not the only pig at the table eating their whole meal. ha. but i've been that person for so long and it fits so well..

maybe i was too sensitive to tk? we have so much fun together its amazing. but hes in a different place than me and i think he is afraid (or knows hes not ready, which is ok... hello its a red head thing) to settle down with someone again. he had his whole life set and it blew up and then he was totally lost. which is how life is i think. but i'm not sure if hes ok with that yet. hell when everything is set it starts to get boring anyhow. maybe i sold myself short with tk.

i guess i'm going to play the game for a minute (the best i can anyhow) even though i dont love it. i think that this boy might need it. and maybe it will be fun. lets call it an experiment. if nothing else it will teach me to let things lie for a bit. something i'm not good at, at all!

as my camcam said, only time will tell. patience my little tine, patience.

the epitome of companionhsip

deb and tom are, to me, are companionship to the fullest extent. the other night they wandered in katies and i asked where they had been, i hadn't seen them in a few days and deb says "we managed to get a few nights in a hotel, he kept me naked the whole time! you know, you cant really get naked over at the camp," referencing the corner of the empty building they sleep under. though i was a touch creeped out, i was so stoked that through everything, they still like to get down! tom said to me one morning after deb was rushing him along, "she gets on me but i sure love her." Once i shared my lunch with them and deb sat at the bar waiting for tom to get done playing video poker before she ate anything, then she sat at the bar and re-braided his beard before heading out again. Maybe this is a mutual respect and agreement reached over many years on the street. maybe its the only way they can survive but to me, i can only dream of companionship so rich.

couch

i am in a dire need of owning a couch. i have a small studio apartment with a few pieces of hand me down/trashpicked furniture, all of which i have grown rather attached to over the years. however the one piece i enjoy most of all is my glorious bed. the smell of it is intoxicating, and while i sleep so well in it, since i own no couch, or even chair for that matter, i am forced to conduct all of my home business from it. pretty soon i'm kind of chilly so i get under the covers. then the smell wafts up from my pillow and beatrix kiddo cuddles up next to me and before you know it i've been asleep for 2 hours and got nothing accomplished. again. i'm convinced that if i can find a couch and a few chairs i will stay away from my bed at least a little bit. the tomb-like ambiance of my little apartment doesn't help, as a large cement wall 4 feet from my windows blocks any and all sunlight that manages to filter through the oregon clouds... my next question is how on earth am i going to get a couch in here... hmm.

day of irritation

id like to start off with the fact that i still have not been in contact with tk order to break things off. he managed to text me "i'm so sorry my. i hopped out of bed and on to my bike. may i call when i'm off? i'm not sure what happened last night..." and then never called. ever. i wonder if he knows that the longer he waits to talk to me the more i want to gouge his eye balls out. really i just want to have a quick chat to clear the slate because i hate having unfinished business and i hate being mad at people. either he knows whats in store and doesn't want to deal or has no idea and thinks he needs to talk me down from the ledge or thinks i'm going to yell at him and his tail is between his legs. either way he needs to fucking man up. hes almost 32 for christ's sake! how come in the last 4 months i've managed to get involved with 2 dudes over 30 who are even less emotionally mature than the retards my age? this one didn't even skate! and he found me! i dont even know anymore.

in other news: went to my fathers place to have snacks and it was the worst shit ever. the server was fat and slow and wouldn't refill my coffee. she totally ignored the people who joined the table after we ordered. she left d's bloody mary at the bar for at least 20 minutes and she put d's wallet behind the bar with out telling him. oh and the food was terrible.

my cat is vibing me to feed her so i should probably do that before she tries to eat my face.

so lame

so i've officially decided that tk is toxic and we need to break it off and he wont even call me back so i can break up with him! what a shit. it would be ok but he has my favorite aa shirt and i really really want it back. if he would at least text me back! oh he irritates me. i need to have some sort of "closer" lame i know, so i can cut him out of my mind because hes sucking the life out of me and he doesn't even know or care! ahhhhh! would write more however i have no energy left to put into it. not even contemplative. i'm just so done, cant wait to be over it.

internet once again

so i'm going to try to write more now that i have internet again. daily if possible. not that most things i have to write about are that interesting but you know.

so i've been hanging out real tough with a boy for a little over a month that i'm pretty into. i also enjoy his friends and like kicking with all of them. though all of this is wonderful, i'm entirely sure how invested tk. he says that he knows lots of people and wants to introduce me which is wonderful cause i dont know a lot of people and also speaks highly of me. he also mentioned he was afraid that in a few months when i met more people i wouldn't be into him anymore.. anywho, my point is that as much as i would love to jump right in with tk and his friends he wont entirely let me do it (maybe really is afraid i'd run away from him) so i'm keeping my options open, which isn't entirely a bad thing considering i dont know a lot of people here. i've been corresponding with a boy from sf via text, as well as occasional run ins on the street, and we talk about hanging out. this boy is cute but i'm not entirely looking to date him. first because i need to meet more people on the friend level especially i already have a beau i'm into and second i'm not sure how i feel about "dating" two boys at once. it just feels weird and manipulative and selfish. but do i let sf know that i'm kind of seeing someone? is that presumptuous that he even wanted that to begin with? or do i not tell him and just hang out? is that disclosing information? really i just want to hang with him and his boys cause i feel like we would get along and the more friends the better right now. and if i do end up liking him or any of his friends down the line we have already established some sort of connection for then. and they probably have rad female chicks i can befriend also. and hopefully they dont do so many drugs. whats with all the drugs these days? jesus christ people.
enough rant for today.

i'm not scared of being alone. i'm scared of what someone will really think of me if i let them all the way into the labyrinth of my brain.

been writing at home in my journal as of late due to the fact i have no interweb at home. this however will soon change. not that i dont love the coffee shop but its starting to irritate me. especially when i have something to get off my chest and i have to write in that damn notebook and i cant keep up with my stupid thoughts!

i definitely have too many thoughts going on these days too! it seems i'm a perfectly normal individual until i have some sort of involvement with the opposite sex and then i cant get out of my fucking head! and by involvement i mean one of actual feelings not just hot sex. i'm working very hard and trying to stay present and not let my thoughts get ahead of me but man thats hard! maybe cause its been a long damn time since a man i'm interested in is actually interested in me and for some reason i find that hard to wrap my brain around. obviously being single for so many years and living alone i've become pretty independent, but i'm at a place in my live where i'm ready to let someone into that space i take up so much room in. when i find someone i think is worthy to actually occupy some of that space i get so nervous that they dont want to be there and i freak out. where as when i dont want someone there they like to take up more than i want. then i over analyze everything in existence from the meaning of life to what is says if i wear these boots. how do i escape my swelling head? i've tried drugs but apparently not the right ones cause that just intensified it. usually thats my go to but not this time! i tried booze but generally when i try to escape feeling with booze i cry/walk home and this time it was bad! sometimes i wish i was a kid again when i was perfectly happy riding my bike around the block for hours at a time only wondering if we were going to have chicken AGAIN for dinner.

and now the reason why i feel the need to spill out all these stupid random thoughts: ive reached a conclusion!! i'm not scared of being alone. i'm scared of what someone will really think of me if i let them all the way into the labyrinth of my brain.